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The South—I say, the South—shall rise again!

We have before us an ideal opportunity to solve the problem of what to do about social, political and economic gridlock. It’s actually very simple—restore the Mason-Dixon Line, extend it to the western border of Arizona, and force the South to secede.

All the political Christians in the North will flock south to join their extremist brethren. All the wing-nuts and gun-nuts and wack-jobs of the radical right, stupid and ignorant alike, will fan out over the land, from the bayous to the barren desert, embracing their kindred souls with the kind of unmitigated glee not known since the Ku Klux Klan went on its last night ride, torches blazing.

Secular humanists, critical thinkers, intellectuals, artists, gays and lesbians, minorities of every stripe and hue, and old-timey Christians who practice what Jesus preached, will pack up and head north, along with plain folks who have kept their marbles in the face of galloping hypocrisy, enshrined bigotry, and serial dimwittedness.

Think of it—the greatest mass migration of all time, enabling the North, purged of the Tea Party and the NRA, to resurrect the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and get about the business of restoring democracy, with liberty and justice for all.

Of course, some in the North will have to be forcibly removed. Imagine the Trail of Tears as Wall Street bankers, financiers, high-flying CEOs, neocons, lobbyists, media moguls, and other white-collar criminals, stripped of ill-gotten gains, begin their long march to gated compounds deep in the heart of Dixie.

Imagine the new political landscapes.

In the North, genuine discourse as lawmakers once again decide how best to implement the will of the people, starting with single-payer health care and a sharp shift away from militarism.

In the South, same-old-same-old intransigence, though with a twist, as internecine warfare becomes the order of the day and arch-conservatives all try to outdo one another with their extremist agendas.

They can even call themselves the Confederate States of America, since they’re so intent on rolling society back to the mid-19th century. Only what are they going to do for slaves, if there’s no one left to pick on? Create new scapegoats!

That’s the beauty of market-based totalitarianism. They’ll have all the free labor they’ll need, compliments of a privatized educational system that feeds a constant flow of new blood into a privatized prison system. Free enterprise über allus!

[“No government—no taxes” sounds great until you start living with the results.]

(5/13/12)

Posted to Satire on May 13, 2012 at 8:50 pm
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Exclusive: Rupert Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks Caught in Missionary Position">Exclusive: Rupert Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks Caught in Missionary Position

News of the World’s own hidden camera records slime merchant and love slave in straight-up sex

By Ima Jolly Goodfellow
for the Sunday Undertow

No sooner were Rupert Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks caught with their pants down in Britain’s greatest political scandal since the Rubiosa Portofino Affair than a Liverpool trash collector revealed he had obtained damning photos of the Ugly Dumpling and his Hot Tamale buck naked in a cheesy hotel ~ in the very bed where many of their tabloid exposés were staged, using paid professionals and unwitting Members of Parliament and high-ranking government officials.

Insiders were shocked speechless as word that the muckraking mogul had mounted his lollipop face to face ~ with no sex toys in sight and none of the usual groupies gathered round ~ sped through the social media like a buzz saw through butter.

“It’s a sad day for evil,” said a senior editor who chose to remain anonymous despite having been sacked with all the other hacks and flacks in the venerable scandal rag’s now-defunct newsroom. “We own the political establishment and the police force, so we would have weathered the storm if this latest catastrophe hadn’t landed in our laps.”

This sentiment was echoed by the political establishment and the police force, speaking off the record to avoid self-incrimination.

“Corruption’s no bloody fun anymore,” one prominent MP was overheard telling another. “Now we shall be forced to govern. It was so much easier with Mr. Murdoch calling all the shots.”

The second MP spoke for everyone caught in the net: “Why couldn’t they at least have tried the back door? ”

Posted to Satire on July 09, 2011 at 7:56 pm
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Dick Cheney's Message of Hope to America

Lie. Cheat. Steal. Kill. Torture. Shred the Constitution. Ditch the Bill of Rights. Screw the people. To hell with habeas corpus. Suck the nation dry. Enrich the wealthiest one percent.

This is POWER we're talking about here, and nobody knows how to exercise it like Dick Cheney does. Gimmee another stooge like Bush and Dick Cheney will rule the world!

Gimmee a hundred Sarah Palins. Gimmee a thousand Rush Limbaughs. Gimmee ten thousand Newt Gingriches. Gimmee a million nincompoops armed with automatic weapons. Dick Cheney WILL rule the world!

Posted to Satire on May 11, 2009 at 1:12 pm
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Attorney General declares himself ‘brain dead’ (4/21/07)

“I don’t have anything to hide.”

Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General of the United States of America and former personal attorney to both (President) George W. Bush and former Texas Governor George W. Bush, standing naked before the Senate Judiciary Committee, pleading innocent by reason of inanity.

Sen. Leahy: “Tell us, Mr. Gonzales, what did you know and when did you know it?”

Gonzales: “I don’t recall.”

Sen. Graham: “I’ll simplify it for you. Where did you vacation last summer?”

Gonzales: “I have no recollection.”

Sen. Kennedy: “I’ll simplify it even further. What did you have for breakfast?”

Gonzales: “I have no memory.”

[Alberto Gonzales, who, like Sgt. Schultz in the old WWII sitcom Hogan’s Heroes, “knows nothing,” invoked the above responses 64 — count ‘em! — times during the course of his testimony. To underscore his other-worldly grasp of the situation, he stated — I’m not making this up, swear to God — “The moment I believe I can no longer be effective I will resign as attorney general.” This after proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not only out of the loop, he is a Fruit Loop who does the legal dirty work for Mad King George and Emperor Cheney, but has no interest in, or awareness of, what actually goes on in the Department Formerly Known as Justice. This is the idiot who rubber-stamps the unconstitutional initiatives of his Neocon masters. “Torture? Oh yes, your majesties! Spying on innocent citizens? What a good idea! Habeas corpus? Open to interpretation! The Geneva Conventions? Outdated, I’d say!” For what it’s worth, 63 percent of the American public believes Gonzales is a liar, and 52 percent believe he should step down. And was Dumb Bunny Bush chagrined by the horribly inept defense put up by his top legal lackey? Au contraire. He said he was “pleased.” One dead brain assesses another. And so it goes.]

Posted to Satire on April 21, 2007 at 8:12 pm
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