[First posted on my Web site on March 6, 2006 as a parody of an email with the same title, purportedly authored by one Dave Kulow. See note at end for history of piece from Snopes.]

Observations by Dave Kulow

We had a neighbor when I lived in DC who had a cousin twice removed whose half-stepbrother on his Mom’s side was good buddies with two generations of Secret Service agents assigned to the presidential detail, as well as with every guy who ever flew the presidents’ planes, from Kennedy and Johnson on, so this is the genuine article or my name isn’t Dave Kulow.

Yes, JKF and LBJ screwed around like rabbits. Jimmy Carter, being a good Christian, lusted in his heart but only got bitten by a rabbit swimming in a lake. At least that’s what he told Roslyn. The elder Bush and the current president Bush, on the other hand, never cheated on their wives, at least in front of their Secret Service agents. At least not that my neighbor’s cousin’s stepbrother’s buddies would talk about, though one did drop a hint about Poppy's long-time mistress in New York City, Jennifer Fitzgerald, and another let slip about Dubya's gay roommate from prep school and Yale, Victor Ashe, that he still vacations with, without Laura. But they picked up those tidbits on the World Wide Web, so they may not be true, like everything I'm telling you.

The information below is accurate. Democrats are angry and vicious toward their Secret Service details, while Republicans are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Both Bush’s, if you’ll pardon the misplaced apostrophe, always stayed home on holidays, which accounted for close to six months out of the year, so the Air Force and security people could be with their families.

WHAT WAS

Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail every time they gave her the universal sign of contempt, inclusive of the Italian hand-on-bicep-with-raised-fist, which was every time she turned around unexpectedly. Or when they got a little too friendly with Chelsea, which every mother of an adolescent girl can relate to. Their main problem with Hillary was her brains, which women are not supposed to have. They wondered why she couldn’t just look pretty and smile a lot.

Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that she loved her Mom but did not like her, which every mother of an adolescent girl can relate to. She got along swell with the security detail, who didn’t think of her as a Democrat, but as “Jail Bait.” Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life, calling them on the carpet every time she heard one muttering, “The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat.”

Former President Bill Clinton was a lot more amiable toward his security detail than his wife. That’s because they were all guys like him, wink-wink. Often the Secret Service agents would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband in the privacy of their bedroom as they debated old cases from their law school days. It used to embarrass the younger agents when the older ones would crowd around the door, taking turns peeking through the keyhole.

Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them, as if he was the president and they were Secret Service agents. His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career, unlike the Bush’s, pardon the misplaced apostrophe. Because he was a Democrat, they did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton, which is to say, he had brains, too. Secret Service agents always used to barge in, hoping to catch him in drag, but it never happened, except in their imaginations. Many actually thought he would look good in a dress. One of my neighbor’s cousin’s stepbrother’s buddies pictured him in red, but the other guys said anybody that liberal had to wear blue.

They never discussed the color of Ronald Reagan’s or Dick Cheney’s dresses when Republican big-wigs staged “theatricals” at Bohemian Grove, or the color of the dress George W. Bush wore in the Skull & Bones “reviews” at Yale, because that would have been disrespectful, like pointing out that Adolf Hitler was a member of a similar occult society, the Thule Society, and that the skull and crossbones, "der Totenkopf" was an emblem worn by the SS. The current president Bush wore a white dress at Phillips Academy, but the security detail never discussed the color.

Al Gore despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. According to my neighbor’s cousin’s stepbrother’s buddies in the Secret Service and aboard Air Force One, they often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Sometimes they made faces, stretching the skin back from the corners of their eyes and mouths, and sticking out their tongues.

Al always got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail, lounging around in their undershirts, flattening beer cans against their foreheads, and said, “Do you want to grow up and be like them?” It’s no wonder Secret Service agents got together at one another’s homes to pray that Al Gore would not be elected president, though it didn’t work when they prayed that He would slip them some lottery numbers.

WHAT IS

Everybody in the Secret Service wants to be First Lady Laura Bush’s “tail,” as they say in the trade. They concede that she is perhaps the only First Lady they have ever had the privilege of serving who giggles, titters, snorts and guffaws when they pinch her bum. Where Hillary patently refused to allow her bum to be pinched, Laura Bush doesn’t even have to be asked, she offers. She even shakes their hands and says, “Thank you.” Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation.

Her Secret Service agents joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing “Peter Pan” with the “Tooth Fairy,” though they’re not quite sure why.

Likewise, the Secret Service considers president Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice, as if he has nothing going on upstairs. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every other week the president has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and sleeps with them, preferring their company to what he jokingly refers to as “the lump in my bed.”

They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than president Bush, even their wives, those that haven’t sued the president for alienation of affection.

Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his drugstore cowboy manner was genuine and consistent, and that he likes men with big muscles. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. To hear my neighbor’s cousin’s stepbrother’s buddies talk, he always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion, just like their cocker spaniels at home.

o o o o o

[Update (3/26/06) – Visit http://www.snopes.com/politics/clintons/secretserv.asp to see the article now attributed to "Dave Kulow" as it appeared in June, 2005. It originally made the email rounds prior to the 2004 presidential election, and has been revived, with strange and wonderful modifications, in time to scare core Republicans into voting in the 2006 elections. My favorite deletions were made before it resurfaced in January, 2006: Bush "actually loves his security detail" and "Al Gore was not a good and kind person. That he could have been our President may suggest that God was ‘answering prayers’ and looking out for the country with Al Gore's defeat." Talk about taking God's name in vain!]